Oof, you have no idea how scary it is to say that out loud.
Externally, I’m trying to stay calm. Honestly, I am genuinely really looking forward to this new chapter.
However, it’s what quitting my job means that I’m actually scared of.
As a child of immigrants, hard work was always deeply valued in my family as I was growing up. I was also taught to never rely on another person, always have my own money, etc. So, having a steady and decently paying job was something I guess I always saw as what my parents wanted for me, and as what I honestly wanted for myself too.
In fact, in the Philippines, we even have slang for people who don’t work: “GFNs” (“good-for-nothings”).
While I know deep down that quitting my job doesn’t make me a GFN… it’s hard to escape the niggling voice in the back of my head, reminding me of the judgements that a younger version of me would have made of the person I am today as I quit my job.
On the one hand, I think there’s a lot she has to be proud of: I finished college, got a job right out of it, and have left a decent impact at my place of employment throughout the year I was there. Not to mention, I am choosing to live out what it means to prioritize family and community over myself. What an amazing privilege it is to be able to do that!
On the other hand, a younger me never would have imagined that I let my life take a turn I wasn’t expecting. She liked following “the rules” and the path that people expected of her.
In some ways, quitting my job feels like teenage rebellion.
A little carefree, risky, impulsive, uncalculated. Something that people might not always like or agree with. Something that actually feels like my own decision, and not just me going along with what I felt like people expected of me. Something that feels like the buzzing of adrenaline and the vibrations on my skin when I got my first tattoo. Something that feels real.
But as a person who was not particularly rebellious as a teen, all of these things are also kind of really nauseating, tbh.
Performing and acting in the ways that I thought would be well-received by the people I was around isn’t being nice or kind. It’s something that strips you of your integrity. It’s what brought me to the brink of burnout.
So, in many ways, I’m grateful to be entering a period of major life transition through a decision that was wholly my own.
What have you done recently that has scared you?
with love,
ana
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