Today, I’m 23, and I wonder when I’ll really grow up. After a long conversation with my Tito about life paths and direction, the idea of what to do with the rest of my life sometimes seems rather daunting.
Between you and me, it sometimes feels like in my family, excellence isn’t the exception – it’s the norm. And I don’t know how to get there, if I don’t even know how to choose my life’s direction.
My great, great grandfather? One of the first doctors in Daraga.
My great grandfather? An engineer who was one of the top scorers in the Philippines Civil Service examination.
My grandfather? A labor lawyer with a (quite literally) storied career.
My mother and her siblings? Successful doctors and lawyers with 30+ years attesting to expertise in their career… not to mention the fact that my mom became a doctor by accident! (as opposed to most who work hard all their lives with that goal in mind)
It’s a lot to live up to.
And I get it, truly, I do. I am hugely privileged to have so many in my family who enjoy stable careers, and moreso, I feel blessed to have the support of my family right now as I figure out next steps for what I want to do in life.
But a world of possibilities is a double edged sword.
How do you make a decision when the whole world is in front of you? What do you choose to commit to? How do you deal with the fear of failure or regret? Why in heck are we expected to know our career’s direction when we’re only baby adults?
To be completely honest, sometimes I get jealous of my mom.
Just like her, I sometimes secretly wish that a sign would fall from the sky and hit me, just like this, telling me what I was meant to do in life.
I’m even starting to see the appeal of learning astrology – because wouldn’t that make it so easy to make “the right choice,” if my path was truly written in the stars?
But, I guess, framed in another way – getting to make choices is the whole point.
Taking risks. Trying new things. Going on adventures.
I’ve been so preoccupied with stability, because that’s what my family has chosen for themselves, and they seem happy enough.
But… what if the joy is in taking the scenic route? What if the fastest route from point A to my dying day isn’t what delights me and teaches me the meaning of life, but instead, the route with the winding paths and the bumpy dirt roads?
I know which trail I’d rather hike.
Stable jobs can bring peace, certainly, much more so when you come from a less privileged financial background or a country with higher rates of poverty. Not to mention, people in many ways benefit from pursuing a path that will guarantee self-sufficiency and financial independence, especially in cases where someone may experience abuse or violence at the hands of a domestic/intimate/romantic partner. But while those types of considerations may be at play and help narrow your choice of career, it certainly doesn’t completely strip you of any choice or agency, nor does it lessen any FOMO or anxiety about not making the “right” choice.
I don’t know about you, but for me, the best books always have a plot twist. The best parties involve an element of surprise. Maybe not knowing your direction isn’t always a bad thing. Maybe it’s actually one of the most wonderful parts of the human experience – because wouldn’t life be so boring, if we could skip to the end?
Maybe taking that first step isn’t as heavy as it seems.
Maybe making a decision doesn’t need to carry the weight of the rest of your life.
And maybe, just maybe – it’s time for me to embrace indecision and uncertainty.
an ode to uncertainty
Cheers to the directionless
the drifters
the dreamers
Who don't know the next place to go
Release all the stress
now's the time to divest
of the anxieties plaguing you so
Maybe the secret
is that we're actually
shapeshifters
not concrete waiting to be
poured in a mold
With potential to snore
not just live life as a bore
and only achieve being adored
when we're old
So, if you board the bus
to the rest of your life
don't think you can't
make a few stops
Get lost in your path
Drift, and dream
Shift, and gleam
And find joy in the
gift of the
unplanned
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