Something that’s not talked about enough is how as women, we need to change our mindset and language about dating. It’s time to offer ourselves the radical love and compassion to choose good long term partners – not just whoever is interested and available.
What is Scarcity Mindset?
From a mental health perspective, scarcity mindset occurs as a result of real or perceived scarcity. In other words, you might have scarcity mindset because you grew up with real life experiences impacted by poverty. You could also adopt this mindset due to external forces that make your body believe that something you want is in high demand.
In other words, scarcity mindset can happen whenever you feel as though there is not enough of something that we want – whether that be food, money, or even potential partners.
Scarcity Mindset in Relationships
While scarcity mindset can affect anyone’s dating perspectives, this mindset seems most pervasive among (heterosexual) women because of the way “good men” are discussed.
As a child, my mom’s friends often told her she was “lucky,” because guys like my dad were “rare.”
He simply was someone who took an equal role in housework and parenting.
This narrative and stereotype unfairly characterizes most men as incapable of domestic labor – and the few outliers as exceptional.
While I love my dad, I believe that men are just as capable as women of being reliable domestic/long-term partners. Unfortunately, though, social norms remove responsibility and expectation for most men to live up to their potential in this regard. Furthermore, because women have been socialized to believe that it is rare for men to be emotionally available or equal partners in domestic labor and household chores, women simply accept these behaviors in their partners.
I know, because this happened to me.
Causes of the Scarcity Mindset in Relationships
From the moment of playground puppy love, young boys’ behaviors of pulling girls’ pigtails is excused as them “just being boys.” These behaviors are not met with questioning, curiosity, or encouragement to explore and communicate feelings of interest, infatuation, or love in a healthy way.
What boys learn from this: It’s ok to touch girls without their consent because I’m a boy. Touch already says what I can’t or won’t verbally communicate. I don’t need to learn to express myself in other ways. It’s not manly or even normal.
What girls learn from this: I don’t feel empowered to set boundaries around how I am touched. Boys touching me without my consent might not feel good, but trusted adults say it’s okay because he likes me. Others even say what he’s doing is “cute,” so maybe this is a good thing. When guys do things I don’t feel comfortable with as I continue to grow up, I should just accept that as being normal and okay because that’s just how guys are. If I want to be in a relationship with a man in the future, I’ll have to accept that.
While this might seem to be a more extreme take on the impacts of the phrase “boys will be boys,” it is important to explore how innocuous phrases and norms lead to dangerous beliefs later in life.
Dating Narratives Driven By Scarcity Mindset
As these kinds of mindsets evolve through adulthood, women’s narratives around dating and relationships may become something more along the lines of…
Good men are really hard to find. They don’t come around often, but I want to be in a relationship right now. Since good men are so rare, settling is probably the statistically smart thing to do. Otherwise, I might just end up completely alone and without a life partner.
And this is a particularly pernicious narrative, because not only does it let the scarcity mindset drive decision making in the dating department, but it also can villainize the woman who refuses to settle – in some cases, for very healthy and logical reasons that can be related to life-or-death outcomes.
Settling vs. Settling
In fact, famed author and America psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb has written a book that does exactly that does just that. Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough paints women who refuse to settle as unwise, entirely unrealistic, and doomed to be forever lonely.
While I think there is something to be said for having realistic expectations for your future partner – maybe Prince Charming has stinky feet after he works out and is not exactly the Zac Efron doppelganger you dreamed of as a child – I also am firmly of the belief that settling cannot be talked about broadly without nuance.
Sure, it’s okay and normal to “settle” for the person who chews a little too loudly, but whose commitment and ability to do the dishes and laundry in your absence is never in question. That is RADICALLY different compared to “settling” for the person who is mostly nice, but who sometimes makes you wonder if he will stay faithful to you as you age, or who sometimes may make you feel pressured to engage in sexual activities, regardless of your own feelings on the matter.
People may call it “settling” to be in a relationship with the person who might not have listened to Taylor Swift before you met, or who didn’t initially have the same hobbies as you, but who does care to learn more about those things that bring you joy as your lives become more deeply intertwined. However, that kind of settling can hardly be equated or conflated with the kind of complex “settling” that happens when people stay with people whose behaviors intentionally and/or actively cause harm to their partners.
The Risks and Harms of Encouraging Women to “Settle” in the Dating Department
While it may activate a variety emotions to acknowledge, the reality of gender-based violence and domestic violence are things that continue to occur across the globe at relatively high rates, most often endangering women. However, the nuance here is that while we should by no means excuse or pretend away the harm done by people exerting this violence and power over others, we also cannot simply continue to spread the harmful narrative that good men are terribly difficult to find, because it is exactly when women “settle” for the not-so-good men, that their lives could be put at risk.
It’s time to hold ourselves, each other, and the next generation to better standards – of the love we give and accept, regardless of gender or sexuality/sexual orientation.
Guidance for Cultivating a Healthy Relationship Mindset
- Mindfulness and emotional intelligence are your superpowers. Even just the simple act of identifying and naming your emotions can prevent fear and scarcity mindset from taking the lead on any decisions related to choosing your future partner or spouse.
- Change the way you and your friends talk about dating. Good friends don’t let their friends “settle” for people who are potentially harmful in the long run. Notice the way you talk about challenges in dating and relationships. Talk about the difference between settling and settling when you hear people bemoaning the scarcity of “good men.”
- Be intentional about the impact you leave on the next generation. Whether or not you are raising some tiny humans yourself, most of us still interact with kids on occasion. Just because they’re not yours doesn’t mean they aren’t listening to what you’re saying. In fact, I live by the belief that kids pay most attention when you don’t think they are listening at all. Choose your words wisely surrounding the narratives you share about what dating and relationships are like. Hold everyone accountable to their full capability of being a loving and caring partner, and likewise, ensure everyone knows their worth of being equally loved and cherished.
