love was never meant to be explosive

At one point in time, another term for dating someone was called “going steady.”

Now though, if I ever talk about when or how I knew that my partner was it for me, I’m afraid I’ll sound terribly unromantic. Because when people talk about romance, they talk about fireworks and chemistry.

Something explosive and unforgettable.

Honestly, I think that’s a lot of bullsh*t.

When I was in my first year of college, I made some decisions that I don’t necessarily regret… but let’s just say, they’re choices I wouldn’t make a second time.

I was grieving the loss of several different family members at the same time, and I wasn’t using healthy coping mechanisms to regulate my emotions. We’ll leave it at that.

The point is, I got my explosive and unforgettable experience.

It looked like this: being coerced into sex and getting raped by a guy three years older than me multiple times over a period of three months.

That experience taught me that modern-day romance is a scam.

The best romance you’ll have with someone is with someone who you trust. Who is loyal. Who would, in theory, be easy to take for granted, but who is the last person you ever should. The best romance is one that builds over time. It’s not instant, it’s not explosive. It’s natural.

Love was never meant to be explosive.

Though I’m not particularly religious these days, I think there’s a fitting reason for why the authors of the Bible called Paradise the Garden of Eden, not the “Battlefield” of Eden.

With a garden, you’re required to give of yourself (which, sidenote, is kind of the whole point of Christian religion and the Bible, when you think about it).

You tend, you nurture, you give it time.

I worry that we’ve gotten so used to instant gratification, having “a little bit of everything, all of the time”(Burnham, 2021)​ that we’ve come to expect love to work the same way.

You swipe right and find The One via some random algorithm or code. Same-day delivery. Same-day hookup.

That’s not love.

And don’t get me wrong, if you’re chasing sexual gratification for its sake alone, you’ll get no judgement from me.

But, for me, if you’re seeking out love, specifically:

love is a constant choice.

It’s not a feeling.

It’s a friendship.

It’s not an app or webpage where you can change the settings and tailor it to be exactly what you want.

It’s a real, living, breathing, human being that you can hurt. That can hurt you. Even if only unintentionally.

But remember, the goal was never explosives.

It was safety. Steadiness. Security.

A rose, beautiful as it is, grows thorns.

Yet, a gardener doesn’t throw out a rosebush when it pricks them.

The gardener continues to tend to it, with patient and steady care.

In relationships, not everything is going to be perfect, because life isn’t perfect. But that’s the whole point.

If you’re trying to find love because you want to your life to be “perfect,” what you need is a magic wand, not a human being, to change things.

However, if you’re ready to embrace imperfection in order to partake in the joys of companionship and someone truly seeing you, knowing you, and loving you anyways – well, that is what it takes to love and be loved. To accept and be accepted for all of your “flaws” and “imperfections.”

Love requires vulnerability. It asks you to bring the worst of you to the table to be seen and loved anyways.

That doesn’t happen in a day.

There aren’t any shortcuts.

It’s not like a video game where you can buy an XP accelerator and jump to the level where things “get good.”

I know it’s cheesy to say, but love happens in the journey. It happens in all of the meh days that are even just 2% better because you have someone by your side, not in the very few Once-in-a-Lifetime-Grand-Romantic-Gesture days.

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, but life is not a fairytale.

And honestly? That’s a good thing. That’s healthy. Most Disney marriages happen within a week of people knowing each other anyways, and that’s certainly not enough time for people know get to know each other well enough to justify whether they think they should spend their lives with that other person.

Love and life happen in the process of sitting with the discomfort of someone truly knowing and seeing you exactly as you are.

Not the cleaned up, pretty-fied version of you that you bring to a first date.

The real you.

The you that doesn’t like washing dishes, that gets sweaty when you go to the gym, that wears old clothes to bed instead of whatever cute PJ set is trending. The one who is grouchy in the morning, who is repulsed by people who pour milk before cereal, and who is a total baby about getting sick. The one who skips meals after losing a loved one, who has been known to eat ice cream until you throw up, who has struggled with suicidal thoughts, who has experienced Bad Things and struggles with flashbacks from time to time. The you who cusses out the edge of the bed when you stub your toe, who secretly loves Hawaiian pizza, who sneezes loud enough to shake the house, who still keeps a collection of Squishmallows in your room, and who laughs at dirty jokes when your mom isn’t around.

Even you don’t get to see and learn all of that about yourself in a single day.

Why would you expect someone else to?

Why would you want them to?

Why would you want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t take the time to?

1 References

1. Burnham, B. (2021). "Welcome to the Internet."